Sunday, February 8, 2009

Pizza Minus!

"Beware the innocuous!" and what's that other line about mediocrity? Oh yes. "Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late." Well the tastiness-inclined, cosmopolitan palettes of Delicious Dish Brooklyn aren't "most people"! Oh yes, we notice...

We notice the glossy finish on a menu that screams "our clients spill lots of ketchup!" and the two freakishly conjoined twin cooks that adorn the top. Hide all you want behind your meatballs, prominent chins and outdated chef hats, you patrons of pizza minus, we know the truth! We notice so many styles, sizes, effects and spacing of fonts that it's with only Herculean self-restraint that we don't try to slit our wrists with the razor-sharp menu siding... or stab ourselves in the neck with that lethal-looking slice of pizza on the bottom. (Oh, and yes, we notice that that's a Sierra Mist on the table, not a Sprite as requested...)

We notice, upon opening the menu, other flagrant misuses which cannot fail to offend. Are we alone in maintaining that respect and adherence to the implications of grammar are not prerequisites to gustatory satisfaction?!? Breathe. Breathe. Breathe... but look, gentle reader:

Forget the almost criminal capitalization rampage. I mean, "world's best" (according to whom? those doofus twins!?) and "killer" (thank goodness it's in quotes, otherwise i thought it might really have been a killer chocolate moose. On the run from the law and not concerned with whom he hurts!) I'm surprised "excellent" isn't in quotes also. Or "carrot" for that matter. But I digress while waiting for the main course, which was advertised as a Chicken Parmesan sandwich.

Despite the romantic lighting, I have to admit love was not the first feeling that washed over me. I might put it more aptly, as, no, not lust, nor flirtatiousness, nor even 3am and barely standing curiosity... but nausea, maybe? Nausea mixed with the frustrated logistical sense of how does one even begin to consume this? Maybe I go first for that all burnt bread bite at the tip or the braver route of opening the sandwich quickly above my head in the hopes that the burning cheese cools off in mid air, sending a cascade of tomato sauce and chicken strips into my mouth and only partially down my face and chest. Or maybe I forgo eating it entirely and just put my foot in it? Is that a size 11 and ya think they have it in blue?! LOL.

Oh and one more thing we notice is when the cook digs aggressively in his eye, just before slipping back into the kitchen to handle our food. I didn't see you wash that hand, buddy!

Thank you for joining us, on ~this~ our inaugural trip down the lanes of Brooklyn "Delicious" Dishes. We promise the rest will be delicious and tasty, no quotes! Oh and any tips on removing tomato sauce from your clothes? Pizza Minus!!!

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