Friday, May 22, 2009

NF(IPS can suck an egg!!)ODDB

Man. Man oh man. Man oh man oh man. Man(itobans for DDB!!), man(ifold genius, a.k.a. DDB!!), man(atee out to get any/all DDB detractors!!), man(uscript regarding the palatability of a range of citrus fruits, which, halfway down page 44, makes a watertight case for a DDB-Meyer lemon parallel--and a FIPSy-moldy grapefruit one!!), man(ifest destiny of DDB to colonize/colorize/collect-tithes-from the far reaches of the blogosphere!!!)

Srsly, though: Luncheonette, squatting humbly beneath the F line on West Ninth Street in Carroll Gardens (wait a second--squatting? oh, no! it's just now occurring to us: given the general decrepitude of the area, could something unsavory be issuing from its commercial bowels?? LOL!), is worth a great man(y) "man"s.

Das right: It's just that good. Don't believe us? Go ahead, ask the guy out front. (Though you may want to wait for him to, erm, tend to his own bowels first. I mean, get a load of the look on his face: Is it just us, or does duder appear a bit stopped up?? LOL.)

Just kidding, no need to ask ol’ Poopsy; DDB’s gotcha covered like butter on enriched-white, like processed cheese on egg scramble, like… DDB on (top of and straight-crushing) FIPSy. Coming your way: a song--literate, lovely, lilting--exalting the forward-thinking, humanity-linking, Pizza Plus (etc.)-sinking ~Luncheonette~.


For starters, when DDB first eased glass-slippered foot inside this venerable establishment (post-fact, we found nary a single review of the place online, confirming its glossy untouchableness), we were greeted with low bows and shielded eyes. Readers: Pause and consider the significance! (No, Frank Bruni, we are not currently entertaining freelance offers, though trust we’ve made note of your interest.)

Stepping up to the “plate” (LOL), we put in an order for a dish that instantly caught our attention, featured prominently on the wall-posted menu as it was.

“Egg on a roll.”

I mean, heck, we can/do roll, and FIPS has got plenty o’ egg on its face as of late, thus I dare you, Delicious readers (we won’t eat you, LOL), to argue against said breakfast selection. (Breakfast--ha! More like Breakfastette, eh? Wait, “eh?” What are we, Canadian? Too much time spent w/ those crazy Manitobans, clearly!!)

So there we were, readers, poised regally at a slim and understated plastic perch, 'specting, by now, all manner of assault though hoping the sentiment behind our initially warm and appreciative reception would hold out at least long enough for us to eat halfway into the DDB-FIPS conglomerate of a specimen you see above, when, straight-slamming the brakes on our car-wash-inspired reverie (LOL), we hear from the counterkeep at our back--

"Whadaya wanna pay for that?"

Huh? Pausing between bites, we swivel to find a scruffy, thrown-together type standing opposite our new friend, his (thrown-together's) right arm angling awkwardly in attempt to relieve an itch on his back, far as we're able to gather. What we're not at all able to gather is an intelligible response, the only thing to greet our inquisitive ears a series of rapid coin clinks.

Well, okaaay. (LOL.)

Srsly, though--how cool, how classy, how straight-cutting edge (ouch! LOL), is that?? I mean, here you have a righteous, merit-pay-based operation masquerading as a breakfast nook! (Clearly Luncheonette digs the Barack Obama, y'know? LOL.)

Yeah, so you know what we d(db)id? Just to see? We put 'em to the test. Held 'em up to the light would that all variety of imperfections, malflexions, witch-b'stowin hexions, ill-servin contra(ce)ptions (no babies! LOL), be exposed for what they are.


"Sir? Hi. So, listen, several bites in, we've determined that breakfast over there [pointing] to be unworthy of the $2.50 asking price. That said, we're wondering how you'd feel about comping us three cents. A hill o' beans to you high-falutin egg wizards, we're sure, but it'd really mean something to us. LOL."


"'LOL'?? Not familiar, really??? Well, tell ya what, new friend, we'll do ya one better. We won't just tell you; we'll show you. You got a wallet? We just had these platinum-edged (careful!!) business cards done up, and once you've spent some time perusing..."


"Well, gotta run--late for a photo shoot, we're afraid. KIT, NFODDB!"